It’s fair to say I’ve buried the lede when it comes to sharing these details from my visit to Ashland. If you’re just catching up, my previous two articles relayed my experience with the Ashland Jewish community at their seminar on Responding to Bias. ("Security in action in Ashland," June 4, 2026, page 8 and "From Ashland, eight steps," June 18, 2026, page 8) 

Together, we developed a list of potential strategies when someone says something offensive or biased. It’s important to have a sense of your goal in the conversation. What is the outcome you’re looking for, and what strategy helps you get there? For most people, they simply want their brain to craft a cogent response in the moment, not an hour later. Here are the techniques we came up with:

Are you open to a deeper conversation on this topic? This question helps sus out if someone just wants to spout off their opinion or is willing to listen to another side. If the answer is no, then it helps you navigate your next steps.

Showing respect for the other person. This might be “I hear what you’re sayingm” or “I can tell you feel really strongly about that.” It’s taking time to validate the other person’s statements or their ability to make their statements without having to agree with them.

Having statistics and knowledge. Educating oneself so that when someone starts to rattle off facts, you have the knowledge base to counter what they are saying, or to at least engage in the conversation. Admittedly, this takes a lot of work, and the people most comfortable doing this are steeped in podcasts and news and history.

Invite a third party to join the conversation. This person’s presence might help keep emotions in check; might help you navigate the conversation. Maybe it’s an ally, Jewish or non-Jewish. This person might not weigh in, but simply hold space in the conversation, just being a party to it, which might help keep people’s responses more tempered. Maybe they help as an active mediator to help guide and frame the conversation. Maybe they’re there for you to simply feel safer in that moment, in that conversation.

“Yes set”. The “yes set” is a conversational technique designed to build agreement and psychological momentum. By asking a series of easy, low-risk questions or stating undeniable facts that prompt the listener to nod, agree, or say “yes,” you lower their natural resistance. By asking five to seven questions that you know the other person will say “yes” to, you build agreement before getting into other areas of the conversation.

Naming the feelings. Particularly when dealing with friends/family who say offensive things, people talked about naming their activation, naming their feeling; that instead of responding right away to what the person said. It might be saying “I’m having feelings about what you said”, or “I’m feeling surprised you said that to me.” Taking that moment allows a pause in the conversation. It provides time for you to try to develop a response, to drill down on how exactly it makes you feel. It could be saying, “I need to take a pause in this conversation”, or it could be asking to have a conversation at another time: “You know, I’d love to talk to you more about this. I’m not sure I agree with everything you’re saying. Could we sit down and have a conversation sometime about this another time?” or “This is a challenging conversation for me, but you’re a good friend, and I don’t want to lose that. Could we, could we shift the conversation to something else right now?” Many people talked a lot about losing friends during the past few years, and how do we try to maintain and keep the friendships going even if there’s areas that feel impassible right now.

Agreeing to disagree. This is a recognition strategy. It’s not that you’re not trying to challenge the person’s ideas. You’re recognizing them, and you’re able to state that you have a different set of opinions on the topic, but that you want to, again, in the name of friendship or the moment, be able to recognize that you have different opinions on that issue.

Walking away. You always have the option not to respond, to simply turn around and walk away. In some cases, this is going to be the right choice for your safety. In other instances, where safety is less top-of-mind, you might say “You know, I don’t know how to respond to that well, so I’m not going to.”

Acknowledging the humanity of people. This technique resonated with several people. Like #2, Showing Respect, this technique was acknowledging the other person’s humanity, acknowledging the humanity of people. This technique is very in line with SCN’s De-escalation class, Navigating Conflict. You don’t have to confront what they’re saying. You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying to recognize that there is suffering and sadness in the world and in these places, and recognizing that doesn’t have to take away from whatever you feel about current events. It might be saying, “It is hard to see so much sadness and suffering in those places.” It’s okay to say that, and it doesn’t take away from you having an opinion on other elements of the issue. It can bring the temperature of the conversation down and defuse anger.

We think of de-escalation as a tool to use when things are very heated, when you have someone yelling and screaming. In reality, a lot of human interaction is fraught with emotion and tension, and not knowing what to say next is very common. If you want to learn more, join a De-escalation class, Navigating Conflict! I’ll be incorporating some of these techniques into the class. You can register at jewishportland.org/events/security-training

People were grateful for the class. There was sadness and pain recounted during the workshop, but to close out the workshop, the moderators brought in some exercises that brought the group back up emotionally. They closed it by imbuing the feeling that while these are skills that are needed, one doesn’t have to lose Jewish joy to navigate them.

I hope they are useful for you.